The Karate Kid. The story of a kid that does not do karate.

I loved the 1984 version of The Karate Kid. I had a major crush on Elisabeth Shue even when I didn’t know what a crush was (this only got worse after watching Cocktail, but that’s a different story altogether) and I spent months of my adolescent life imitating Mr Miyagi (you walk on road… walk right side, safe. walk left side, safe. You go and walk in middle, “KGGWSHT!”, getasquished… just like grape.)  Come to think of it… I think I’ll start doing it again. Anyway.

Now our good friends at Columbia Pictures bring us a new version starring Jaden Smith (Yes, that’s Will Jr.) as the Danny Laruso character and Jackie Chan as the Mr. Myagi character. Remakes are always rather difficult, so perhaps, like me,  you’re wondering: “Does this one work?” Well. No, it doesn’t. It blows actually. Not that the camerawork doesn’t look promising, but what do we learn form watching the trailer as well?

Chinese kids are mean which is probably why China as a nation is bad? That wasn’t what I was aiming for mr. Rumsfeld, but thank you for commenting. We learn from the trailer that The Karate Kid doesn’t actually do much Karate. He mostly does Kung Fu. Think it’s the same thing? Yeah, like Sashimi and Dim Sum are the same thing. Thankfully someone, probably a gaffer, noticed this during the shoot so one of the Chinese kids calls Danny Laruso 2.0 “Karate Kid” somewhere in the trailer to justify the title. But justified it is not I say to thee. Consider the following titles and plots:

The Horse Whisperer. Some guy is ignored by a horse. He starts whispering to dogs.
Nightmare on Elmstreet. A student moves with her parents from Elmstreet to Wisteria Lane. She gets nightmares.
King Kong. Someone watches King Kong during a flight to Tokyo. There he fights Godzilla.
Casablanca. Humprey Bogart misses the train to Casablanca. He goes to Beijing instead and learns Kung Fu.

See how that just does not work? I say: You make Karate Kid film ‘yes’. Safe. You make Karate Kid Film ‘no’. Safe. You say you make Karate Kid Film but give audience Kung Fu Kid Film instead, “KGGWSHT!”, getasquished… just like grape.

Wanna watch the trailer yourself? Don’t say I didn’t warn ya”:

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